I remember M picking me up
< this part is a blur – i do not remember the day or week , or where he picked me up from, i don't remember where i was >
But i remember it was night time and that this was when you were relocated from USC to UCLA Reagan Hospital – it's like Reagan can't escape us. <insert photos + Guatamalan genocide reagan articals , photos >
I remember feeling very weak , because I couldn't tell if I would be able to handle seeing you the way you were. I remember the day before mom told me you could no longer talk because of the machine that was plugged into your mouth.
I remember walking in the building and having to fill out a visitor form – then they took a photo of me and printed out the visitor sticker out. <insert photo> I remember looking around and seeing all the families having to do the same.
I remember a young boy playing with his toy bird – and hearing the chirp sound <insert sound> it made as he looked down and down as if he saw floors below floors below floors – and who I assume was his mother next to him looking down the same way. I remember having to remain strong for you.
I remember getting in the elevator < i cant remember what floor we were going to > - i remember looking at M and him looking very sad. We eventually got to the right floor but had to walk past many rooms and hallways – turning and turning – I remember it felt like one big maze. In between hallways were large windows that pointed out to the city and it's lights – the views of westward , of the mansions, expensive roads, clean buses, rich cars .. families walking.
I remember there were many paintings of animals on the hallways. <insert photos – hover over>
Down more we walked and reached the right place < i don't remember when or how we knew we were in the right place. > I think someone was leading us but <i don't remember what the nurse looked like or how they even appeared, I don't remember how we knew we were in the right place.> I remember the big doors and having to wait outside them so that the people inside could push a button to open the doors and let us in. I remember how the doors opened wide like wings < i don't remember who opened the door , or who even let us in> Someone was leading us <but i don't remember what they looked liked at all> Someone led us to your room <i don't remember who it was or even what they looked like> but i remember walking to you - it felt like a straight line – I remember looking side to side , seeing people on hospital beds, with families surrounded. Then we got to you <but i don't remember reaching your room>
Now the only thing between us was a window . I remember staring from the outside and seeing loads of big equipment, plugging into the walls – then plugged into machines – then plugged into you – I remember feeling like it was all one big machine , but that you weren't. <I don't remember who was next to me, I don't remember my mom or brother being near me , although i think they were there , i don't remember> I remember trying my hardest not to cry in front of you. < i wish i could remember every sound there was > < i don't remember who allowed me to go in with you> < i dont remember my first walk in>
I was staring at you and i could hear Ms laugh over his sadness – i could tell he was trying to be strong for you too. Then we weren't there with you. < i don't remember why we had to leave the room - or who told us to leave, i really cant remember why> but i remember waiting outside < again, i cant remember why we were even waiting>. Mom told me to go in alone to see you and talk to you – to tell you everything. < i don't know what she meant by everything and i don't remember when i walked in and i can't remember who allowed me to walk in , I can't remember.">
Then I remember walking in and approaching you on your left side, your left hand (predominant hand) laid on your body and you reached for me – I looked at you as I reached for you too – then looked down at your left hand. I remember how yellow it was – I remember it as if you had already left there with me in another realm or dream-like place yet I remember still being very present and knowing very well that it was clearly reality we were in.
I remember holding onto you, and squeezing you very tightly – but you squeezed me even tighter and i felt your thumb moving up and down from my pointer finger, I remember the touch of your body – touching my body – as if together we made up one body – strong and healthy – just the two of us.
I remember I started to tear up – and I can see you clearly now – you looked me in the eyes , unwrapped your hands from mine, and waved no with your fingers, then grabbed my hand again to hold. Then you used your head to nod no again – and I remember my tears were gone. <I miss you and i want to see you – right now – pick any place – are you nodding no right now >
I remember I couldn't speak for a couple seconds, we just stared at each other <i don't remember how long it was until i could talk > I remember a couple seconds, i told you how far we'd go once you were healed , together as two separate healthy bodies , to asia – then to africa – then to europe – then all the way back to jalisco – you smiled through the machine in your mouth and nodded. I remember telling you i had forgiven you. We just held onto each other.
I remember looking down and seeing the blood underneath you – what were they doing to you? I remember I had to leave < I don't remember why I had to leave, or who told me I had to leave , did they have to change you? Give you your pills? I cannot remember!!!">
I wanted to stay by your side - to sleep right there with you, close our eyes at the same time together, all while we held onto each other, then fall into a deep sleep ,, dream with each other,, then wake up , open our eyes, and see each other still be side by side – and to look down and still see our hands squeezing each other tightly.
It's been 3 years and there is so much i want to tell you - -i turn a new age very soon. I want to ask you so much – how did you pray when you were most scared? How destructive were you in your lifetime? How did you learn? What have you been doing
Sometimes i cannot decide if it a joy that many of the things i want to know about you will remain a mystery, or if it is something i should continue being sad about whenever it finds me – so for now i think about it as if i am floating in the ocean , laying up on my back, knowing you are at sea too, yet not sure where you are or where we both will end up , just knowing you are in the big ocean with me floating too out there - and theres this large land of water that will never go
<I can't remember how many days you were hospitalized>